THECLOWNCLINIC
Saturday, January 10, 2004
CLEVER WOMEN
Story 1:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap,
I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and then the frog said, “Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis,
that women will flock to.”
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me." So KAZAM-- she's the
most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the!
world,
and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
"That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM--she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack.
Don't mess with clever women.
Story 2:
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died,
he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money
and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,
she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it
in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that
money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and I wrote him a cheque."
Friday, January 09, 2004
Referred to by Jessica
These are some answers to questions children gave in Sunday school class:
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals......Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah....Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients....The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.....Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.....The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.....The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother....The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada......Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.....The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Filklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times....Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you....He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.’ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels....The epistles were the wives of the apostles....One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimoney, which is another name for marriage...A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
AFFAIRS
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.
I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole 4 cents."
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .............. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Blond Jokes...
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
A Flaky Blonde
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
Think breakfast cereal... -dan-
Adventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
